With a tip of the hat to the enduring appeal of the “Dear Abby” column, Betsy, the oldest of the R&R cows and self-proclaimed boss lady, unveils her new advice column. Learn more about Betsy.
Dear Betsy: I need to hire a lawyer for a little mishap last week. How do I determine a good lawyer from a bad one? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Good luck.
Dear Betsy: I can’t shake the feeling that someday I might be kidnapped. What can I do? – Caramel, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Caramel: The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
Dear Betsy: I’m worried that my boyfriend may walk out on me. What should I do if that happens? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Shut the door.
Dear Betsy: When I ask Paprika to stop talking she gets as mad as a wet hen. How can I get her to be quiet with her getting all upset? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Tell her she looks extremely beautiful when her beak is closed.
Dear Betsy: What can I do about all the foul language and violence on my DVD? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Throw it away, problem solved.
Dear Betsy: My uncle has been paying a psychiatrist $200 an hour every week for over three years. What do you think? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: He must be crazy.
Dear Betsy: I’ve suspected that Pedro has been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. What should I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Wise up, dear.
Dear Betsy: My mother is more mean and short-temper than usual. Why do you think this is happening? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: Don’t take it personally. It could be that she is going through mental pause.
Dear Betsy: Is it possible for someone to be in love with two heifers at the same time? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Betsy: My boyfriend’s birthday is next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? — Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: Never mind what he’d like, give him a tie.
Dear Betsy: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is getting up there in age and he’s still chasing the females. Any suggestions? Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Don’t worry. The dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going steady with my beau for over a year. We see each other every day and night. He says he loves me, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? – Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
Dear Betsy: I’m getting really tired of Pedro strutting around and flirting with every female within crowing distance. When I confronted him about it, he said it’s the way any Southern rooster would behave. What am I going to do with him? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Cut off his hominy grits.
Dear Betsy: I went out with my boyfriend last weekend to celebrate my birthday. I usually don’t drink, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis, a few glasses of champagne, and two brandies. Did I do wrong? – Bailey, the Goat
Dear Bailey: Probably.
Dear Betsy: Pedro has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked Pedro if I were drowning and his mother were drowning, which one would he save? He said, “My mother because I owe her more.” I am so terribly hurt, Betsy. What shall I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Learn to swim.
Dear Betsy: I am getting older and I would like to meet a bull my age with no bad habits. – Vinny, the Heifer
Dear Vinny: So would I.
June 15, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going with this heifer for a year. How can I get her to say yes? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: What’s the question?
June 8, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Do you have any suggestions? — Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Very simple. Run for a public office.
June 1, 2017
Dear Betsy: I don’t want to appear conceited but I’m forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Females are always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. I’m beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females? — Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Keep talking.