It was a bright and sunny-
Currently, on this… dreary and dismal day, Bailey was hanging around a corner of her son’s pen, staring off at the horizon and letting loose long, languid sighs-
…just like that, on regular intervals.
On the other side of the pen, Gomez was keeping a sad, watchful eye over his mother-
And as such, nearly became a ‘Fainting Goat’ YouTube celebrity when a voice suddenly clucked up behind him.
The younger goat turned around and shot a glare at the individual who’d given him such a scare. The individual, in this case, was the good chicken Henrietta. “Do-o-o-on’t sneak up on a guy like tha-a-a-at!” he demanded.
Henrietta responded to the protest with a perfectly flat look. “You’re a grown mammal that outweighs me five times over, get over yourself. Anyways…” Henrietta nodded her head at the other ungulate in the pen. “Dare I ask what’s wrong with her?”
Gomez winced at the reminder of the current state of affairs, and sent a sad look in the direction of his mother, who was still staring off into the distance and-
“This’s a real ba-a-a-a-ad time for her,” Gomez explained sadly. “It’s the anniversary of when my Pa, uh…” the goat winced and made air-quotes with his hoof. “‘Went out to pasture’, if you kno-o-o-o-ow what I mean?”
Henrietta winced sympathetically. “I’m sorry about that, Gomez.”
“Huh?” Gomez blinked in confusion before scoffing and waving her off. “Oh nah, nah, I’m wa-a-a-ay over it, water under the bri-i-i-idge… but my Ma, well…”
“She’s fine too,” the young goat hastily assured the chicken. “But every year… she gets… lonely, see? Not much we can do until it passes, but… well, there you have it.”
“Hmm…” Henrietta hummed, giving the older goat a once over before looking back at Gomez. “Have you ever thought about… I dunno, getting her some new ‘male companionship’, maybe?”
“You mean a da-a-a-ate?” Gomez asked incredulously. “Where am I supposed to find a date for my Ma? Especially on such short notice? It’s not like there’re any other goats nearby ‘cept for us!”
“Oh, Gomez Gomez Gomez…” Henrietta sighed with fond weariness as she laid a wing on the young goat’s leg and led him off. “Allow me to introduce you to the wonderful world… of the internet.”
Later that evening, Gomez was pacing about, waiting impatiently for his mother to return from the blind date he’d set her up on, courtesy of an online dating service that Henrietta had shown him to. It had looked like a prospective match up: an instant reply to her profile, the other person had seemed eager to meet her, all that was left was to witness the results.
Now, if only his mother would return-!
“GAH!” Gomez whirled around with a yelp. “One day this place’ll be the de-e-e-eath of-ah!” he grinned sheepishly when he came face to face with his… notably displeased looking mother. “Uh… h-h-hey there Ma! How was the… er… date…?”
Bailey kept up the flat look for a few seconds before shaking her head with a sigh. “Gomez, I love you, I really, re-e-e-eally do… but you go-o-o-otta learn to be more careful when you’re o-o-o-on the internet.”
“Huh?” Gomez blinked in confusion. “Why? Did something go wrong with the da-a-a-ate? It shoulda been fine! He was great, said he was o-o-o-older, strong, even Europe-e-ean-!”
“And he was also a butcher.” Bailey completed flatly.
Gomez’s mouth dropped open in shock. “I set you up with a se-e-e-erial killer!?”
“Not a serial killer, Gomez, a bu-u-u-utcher.”
Gomez made to question the difference… before snapping his jaw shut when realization struck him. “Ah… whoo-o-o-ops? Eheheh, ho-o-o-o-onest mistake…” Gomez chuckled, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.
“Mm-hm,” Bailey hummed, giving her son a flat look.
Gomez held his grin for a few more seconds before letting his head hang in defeat. “I am so-o-o-o-o grounded for this, aren’t I?”
by Baxter Balick, R&R Contributing Author and Flagler College Sophomore