With a tip of the hat to the enduring appeal of the “Dear Abby” column, Betsy, the oldest of the R&R cows and self-proclaimed boss lady, unveils her new advice column. Learn more about Betsy.
Dear Betsy: Soooo many people are giving me unwanted parenting advice. How do I put a stop to it? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Easy, my dear. Just ask them to provide proof of current “Parent of the Year” award before rendering further unsolicited parenting advice.
Dear Betsy: I’m trying to watch my weight. How many calories should I allow myself each day? – Annabelle, the cow
Dear Annabelle: Experts recommend 1200 calories per day.
Dear Betsy: Ok, and how many calories at night? – Annabelle
Dear Betsy: Love is in the air! Seems like everyone has someone… except me. How can I keep from feeling so alone?
Dear Hershey: Just turn out the lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
Dear Betsy: Is it ever ok to slap somebody? – Clyde, the donkey
Dear Clyde: I don’t advise it. Just remember to say, “mosquito” if you do.
Dear Betsy: I can’t figure these heifers out. They’re so emotional. What can a guy do? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: It’s simple. If she’s upset, just hold her tight and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Dear Betsy: I saw my first football game last weekend! But I couldn’t understand why they were hurting each other for 25 cents. – Maybelline, the Cow
Dear Maybelline: What you do you mean?
Maybelline: Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’
Dear Betsy: Why don’t we see female football players? – Cocoa, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Cocoa: The real reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit out in public at the same time.
Dear Betsy: Cole [the bull] has been eager to get into a relationship with me. Should I, or shouldn’t I? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Getting into a relationship may seem tempting, but so was getting on the Titanic, and look what happened there.
Dear Betsy: It’s sooooo cold. Where can I go to warm up? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: Go stand in the corner. I hear it’s about 90 degrees there.
Dear Betsy: Exactly what is a New Year’s resolution, anyway? – Cocoa, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Cocoa: Best I can tell, it’s a to-do list for the first week of January.
Dear Betsy: I wish I looked forward to seeing my in-laws this Christmas as much as I look forward to Santa’s visit. – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
Dear Betsy: I’m really trying to watch my weight and eat healthy. Are cupcakes considered health food? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin… and muffins are healthy. You’re welcome.
Dear Betsy: Seems all the animals have Christmas on their minds and are getting overly rambunctious. What’s the best way to keep them from misbehaving? – Jennifer, the Rype & Readi Store Manager
Dear Jennifer: Wrap up some empty boxes in Christmas paper and each time one of them misbehaves, toss it in the fire. They’ll shape up quickly.
Dear Betsy: My chicks ignore me most of the time. What’s the best way to get the attention of my brood? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Lean in close and whisper. It’s much scarier.
Dear Betsy: I’m disappointed to be missing my soap operas on Thanksgiving Day when all the family comes home to roost. What can I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Don’t worry. One family gathering and you’re set with enough drama to last a lifetime.
Dear Betsy: Paprika makes some of the worst choices. What can I do about it? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: For starters, I wouldn’t criticize her choices. After all, you’re one of them.
Dear Betsy: Paprika keeps asking me, “What?” I’m wondering if her hearing is getting bad. What do you think? — Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Her hearing is fine. She’s giving you a chance to change whatever it was you said.
Dear Betsy: Is it true that I need to bend over backwards to please my new heart throb? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Better than bending over backwards would be to show her that you have backbone.
Dear Betsy: Is true that love is blind? – Montey, the Donkey
Dear Montey: Yes, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Dear Betsy: I overheard some girls talking about the kind of man to marry. Is it true that men with pierced ears are better marriage material? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Could be. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Dear Betsy: I need to hire a lawyer for a little mishap last week. How do I determine a good lawyer from a bad one? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Good luck.
Dear Betsy: I can’t shake the feeling that someday I might be kidnapped. What can I do? – Caramel, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Caramel: The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
Dear Betsy: I’m worried that my boyfriend may walk out on me. What should I do if that happens? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Shut the door.
Dear Betsy: When I ask Paprika to stop talking she gets as mad as a wet hen. How can I get her to be quiet with her getting all upset? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Tell her she looks extremely beautiful when her beak is closed.
Dear Betsy: What can I do about all the foul language and violence on my DVD? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Throw it away, problem solved.
Dear Betsy: My uncle has been paying a psychiatrist $200 an hour every week for over three years. What do you think? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: He must be crazy.
Dear Betsy: I’ve suspected that Pedro has been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. What should I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Wise up, dear.
Dear Betsy: My mother is more mean and short-temper than usual. Why do you think this is happening? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: Don’t take it personally. It could be that she is going through mental pause.
Dear Betsy: Is it possible for someone to be in love with two heifers at the same time? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Betsy: My boyfriend’s birthday is next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? — Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: Never mind what he’d like, give him a tie.
Dear Betsy: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is getting up there in age and he’s still chasing the females. Any suggestions? Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Don’t worry. The dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going steady with my beau for over a year. We see each other every day and night. He says he loves me, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? – Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
Dear Betsy: I’m getting really tired of Pedro strutting around and flirting with every female within crowing distance. When I confronted him about it, he said it’s the way any Southern rooster would behave. What am I going to do with him? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Cut off his hominy grits.
Dear Betsy: I went out with my boyfriend last weekend to celebrate my birthday. I usually don’t drink, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis, a few glasses of champagne, and two brandies. Did I do wrong? – Bailey, the Goat
Dear Bailey: Probably.
Dear Betsy: Pedro has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked Pedro if I were drowning and his mother were drowning, which one would he save? He said, “My mother because I owe her more.” I am so terribly hurt, Betsy. What shall I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Learn to swim.
Dear Betsy: I am getting older and I would like to meet a bull my age with no bad habits. – Vinny, the Heifer
Dear Vinny: So would I.
June 15, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going with this heifer for a year. How can I get her to say yes? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: What’s the question?
June 8, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Do you have any suggestions? — Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Very simple. Run for a public office.
June 1, 2017
Dear Betsy: I don’t want to appear conceited but I’m forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Females are always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. I’m beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females? — Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Keep talking.