With a tip of the hat to the enduring appeal of the “Dear Abby” column, Betsy, the oldest of the R&R cows and self-proclaimed boss lady, unveils her new advice column. Learn more about Betsy.
Dear Betsy: Is it true that we won’t see any snow in Florida this winter? — Roger, the Rabbit
Dear Roger: Probably not. But brace yourself for the snowbirds, old people are on their way down from the Far North right now.
Dear Betsy: Are you going to the staff Christmas party? And if you are, do you have any icebreaker conversation you could recommend? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: You can borrow my old stand-by: “I apologize in advance for what I’m going to say to you at this holiday party.”
Dear Betsy: I’m really trying to watch my weight and eat healthy. Are cupcakes considered health food? – Cocoa, the Babydoll sheep
Dear Cocoa: Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin… and muffins are healthy. You’re welcome.
Dear Betsy: Did you manage to get all your Christmas shopping done on Black Friday? – Hershey, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Hershey: So far, holiday shopping has consisted of me buying myself presents, so I’d call it a success.
Thanksgiving Day 11.22.2018
Dear Betsy: Why do folks get so excited about Black Friday? – Hershey, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Hershey: Because they get to spend $200 on a tent and $78 on Starbucks, spend 11 hours outside on a sidewalk to save $30 on a new TV. My guess is they flunked math class.
Dear Betsy: I’m thinking about having some family over for the holidays, but I don’t want any cat fights like last year. Any advice? – Boris, the Russian Blue Cat
Dear Boris: You could try stuffing the turkey with prozac for a truly stress-free holiday.
Dear Betsy: I’m worried that Pedro won’t find me attractive when I get old. What do you think? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Beauty fades, and so will his eyesight. There’s no sense worrying.
Dear Betsy: Are you going to reset your clocks when Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend? – Fiona, the Miniature Donkey
Dear Fiona: No. They’ll finally all be right again as I never bothered to changed them last spring.
Dear Betsy: Are you decorating for Halloween this year? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Actually, I’ve been working at it all year. I let the cobwebs go in my house, and now they’re the perfect decoration for Halloween!
Dear Betsy: I was in my bee costume last weekend and I felt something weird underneath it. What could it have been? Scruff, the Dog
Dear Scruff: When you’re in your bee suit and you feel sweat running down your back, that’s fine. When you feel sweat running up your back, that’s a bee.”
Dear Betsy: Got any advice for that “glass half empty” feeling? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Simple. Just add vodka and stir. You’ll feel better before you know it.
Dear Betsy: I need some advice on how to drop some extra weight fast. Can you help? – Cocoa, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Cocoa: Just change your scale unit from pounds to kilograms and you’ll lose half your weight overnight! Worked for me.
Dear Betsy: I’m very annoyed that my kids seem to disappear and won’t come when I call. Any suggestions? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Easy. Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
Dear Betsy: Someone told me the other day that they think I have CDO. What is that, anyway? – Fiona, the Miniature Donkey
Dear Fiona: It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be.
Dear Betsy: I’m really not into the trick-or-treating thing. Any idea how to get rid of unwanted guests at the door? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Well, you could try what I did. Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my husband, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?” He shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.” Problem solved. My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
Dear Betsy: Help! I’m about to be the mother of two teenagers. Any advice for dealing with this new stage of life? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Prepare for a large amount of eye rolling, emotional outbursts, and thoughts of running away. And that’s just the parents.
Dear Betsy: I’m thinking about putting my profile on an online dating site! Do you think that’s a good idea? – Fiona, the visiting Miniature Donkey
Dear Fiona: It’s convenient, I’ll say that. Now it’s possible for your dream of love to be crushed more efficiently and in the privacy of your own home.
Dear Betsy: Jennifer and Jessica have been doing a great job of cleaning me up, and I’m beginning to think I’m good marriage material. What do you think? Should I get married? – Donkey!, the visiting miniature donkey
Dear Donkey!: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Dear Betsy: Do you have a good recipe for iced coffee? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: 1. Become a Teacher; 2. Bring hot coffee to school; 3. Start doing a million things; 4. Forget you brought coffee; 5. Drink it cold.
Dear Betsy: I overheard some kids talking about the match class they’re taking this fall. What’s the big deal about solving for X anyway?
Dear Montey: I’d be careful if I were them. What if math teachers were just pirates who just wanted them to find X so that they could find the buried treasure?
Dear Betsy: If a man speaks in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Yep.
Dear Betsy: I was invited to be the Best Man at my friend’s wedding. One of my duties is to toast the happy couple. Can you help? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Try this — “Congratulations! You have found that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Works for both of them.
Dear Betsy: I can’t figure my new girlfriend out. When I asked her if she minded if I break our date next Saturday night to play Cow Pie Bingo, she said, “Do what you want.” But it sure didn’t seem to like that she meant it. What should I do? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: When a female says, ‘do what you want’, she does not mean that you should do what you want. Instead, you should stand still, do not blink, do not answer, don’t even breathe. Just play dead.
Dear Betsy: Don’t you think it’s cute when lovers carve their names into a tree? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: I don’t think it’s cute, I just think it’s strange how many people take knives on a date.
Dear Betsy: I weigh 400 lbs here on Earth, but only 152 lbs on Mercury. Am I fat? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: No dear, you’re not fat. You’re just not on the right planet.
Dear Betsy: I think I’ve found THE ONE. What’s that little tingly little feeling I get when I get near her? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: That’s common sense leaving your body.
Dear Betsy: How can I tell if folks think I’m pretty or not? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Very simple, dear. If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Dear Betsy: How can I be sure that I’m doing an adequate job as a father? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Don’t worry; 75% of parenting is just trying to locate the bad smell.
Dear Betsy: Last night Cole and I went out for dinner, and afterward he said those 4 words I’ve been waiting all my life to hear. — Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: You mean he said, “will you marry me?!”
Dear Betsy: No, he said, “put your money away.”
Dear Betsy: Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Dear Betsy: I reeeeeeeelly like this new heifer and hope it leads to a serious relationship. How can I tell if she really likes me? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: If she doesn’t kiss you by the fourth date, she’s still here for the free food.
Dear Betsy: I think my talents are not fully discovered, and I’ve been giving some thought into going into the Consulting business, but I’m not really sure what all that entails. Can you advise? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Consultants are like uncles. They give advice with no real authority. You’d be perfect.
Dear Betsy: With Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday, I sure hope I’m doing right by all my chicks. What’s your advice to mothers like me? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Just give them love, nurturing, and enough dysfunction to make them funny.
Dear Betsy: I’m looking for a really attractive date. Do you recommend computerized dating services? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Clyde: Computerized dating can save a lot of guesswork, but so can a bikini. Try the beach.
Dear Betsy: I’m considering trying speed dating. Do you think it’s a good idea? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Go for it. What normally would take months to have your hopes raised and dashed will now take mere minutes.
Dear Betsy: Is it true that girls marry men like their fathers? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Yes, and that’s why mothers often cry at weddings.
Dear Betsy: Why are you fat? – Mocha and Mr. Bean, the two new lambs
Dear Mocha and Mr. Bean: The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body could not fit all this personality.
Dear Betsy: When going into a barbershop for the first time, how do I know which of the two barbers to choose to cut my hair? – Scruff, the Dog
Dear Scruff: That’s easy. Just pick the one with the worst haircut. Think about it.
Dear Betsy: Why do parents take their children to Easter Egg Hunts? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: It’s proof that their child can find something when they really want to.
Dear Betsy: Soooo many people are giving me unwanted parenting advice. How do I put a stop to it? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Easy, my dear. Just ask them to provide proof of current “Parent of the Year” award before rendering further unsolicited parenting advice.
Dear Betsy: I’m trying to watch my weight. How many calories should I allow myself each day? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Experts recommend 1200 calories per day.
Dear Betsy: Ok, and how many calories at night? – Annabelle
Dear Betsy: Love is in the air! Seems like everyone has someone… except me. How can I keep from feeling so alone? – Hershey, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Hershey: Just turn out the lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
Dear Betsy: Is it ever ok to slap somebody? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: I don’t advise it. Just remember to say, “mosquito!” if you do.
Dear Betsy: I can’t figure these heifers out. They’re so emotional. What can a guy do? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: It’s simple. If she’s upset, just hold her tight and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Dear Betsy: I saw my first football game last weekend! But I couldn’t understand why they were hurting each other for 25 cents. – Maybelline, the Cow
Dear Maybelline: What you do you mean?
Maybelline: Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’
Dear Betsy: Why don’t we see female football players? – Cocoa, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Cocoa: The real reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit out in public at the same time.
Dear Betsy: Cole [the bull] has been eager to get into a relationship with me. Should I, or shouldn’t I? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Getting into a relationship may seem tempting, but so was getting on the Titanic, and look what happened there.
Dear Betsy: It’s sooooo cold. Where can I go to warm up? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: Go stand in the corner. I hear it’s about 90 degrees there.
Dear Betsy: Exactly what is a New Year’s resolution, anyway? – Cocoa, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Cocoa: Best I can tell, it’s a to-do list for the first week of January.
Dear Betsy: I wish I looked forward to seeing my in-laws this Christmas as much as I look forward to Santa’s visit. – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
Dear Betsy: I’m really trying to watch my weight and eat healthy. Are cupcakes considered health food? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin… and muffins are healthy. You’re welcome.
Dear Betsy: Seems all the animals have Christmas on their minds and are getting overly rambunctious. What’s the best way to keep them from misbehaving? – Jennifer, the Rype & Readi Store Manager
Dear Jennifer: Wrap up some empty boxes in Christmas paper and each time one of them misbehaves, toss it in the fire. They’ll shape up quickly.
Dear Betsy: My chicks ignore me most of the time. What’s the best way to get the attention of my brood? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Lean in close and whisper. It’s much scarier.
Dear Betsy: I’m disappointed to be missing my soap operas on Thanksgiving Day when all the family comes home to roost. What can I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Don’t worry. One family gathering and you’re set with enough drama to last a lifetime.
Dear Betsy: Paprika makes some of the worst choices. What can I do about it? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: For starters, I wouldn’t criticize her choices. After all, you’re one of them.
Dear Betsy: Paprika keeps asking me, “What?” I’m wondering if her hearing is getting bad. What do you think? — Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Her hearing is fine. She’s giving you a chance to change whatever it was you said.
Dear Betsy: Is it true that I need to bend over backwards to please my new heart throb? – Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Better than bending over backwards would be to show her that you have backbone.
Dear Betsy: Is it true that love is blind? – Montey, the Donkey
Dear Montey: Yes, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Dear Betsy: I overheard some girls talking about the kind of man to marry. Is it true that men with pierced ears are better marriage material? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Could be. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Dear Betsy: I need to hire a lawyer for a little mishap last week. How do I determine a good lawyer from a bad one? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Good luck.
Dear Betsy: I can’t shake the feeling that someday I might be kidnapped. What can I do? – Caramel, the Babydoll Sheep
Dear Caramel: The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
Dear Betsy: I’m worried that my boyfriend may walk out on me. What should I do if that happens? – Annabelle, the Cow
Dear Annabelle: Shut the door.
Dear Betsy: When I ask Paprika to stop talking, she gets as mad as a wet hen. How can I get her to be quiet without her getting all upset? – Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Tell her she looks extremely beautiful when her beak is closed.
Dear Betsy: What can I do about all the foul language and violence on my DVD? – Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Throw it away. Problem solved.
Dear Betsy: My uncle has been paying a psychiatrist $200 an hour every week for over three years. What do you think? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: He must be crazy.
Dear Betsy: I’ve suspected that Pedro has been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. What should I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Wise up, dear.
Dear Betsy: My mother is more mean and short-tempered than usual. Why do you think this is happening? – Gomez, the Goat
Dear Gomez: Don’t take it personally. It could be that she is going through mental pause.
Dear Betsy: Is it possible for someone to be in love with two heifers at the same time? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Betsy: My boyfriend’s birthday is next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? — Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: Never mind what he’d like, give him a tie.
Dear Betsy: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is getting up there in age and he’s still chasing the females. Any suggestions? Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Don’t worry. The dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going steady with my beau for over a year. We see each other every day and night. He says he loves me, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? – Annabelle, the Heifer
Dear Annabelle: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
Dear Betsy: I’m getting really tired of Pedro strutting around and flirting with every female within crowing distance. When I confronted him about it, he said it’s the way any Southern rooster would behave. What am I going to do with him? — Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Cut off his hominy grits.
Dear Betsy: I went out with my boyfriend last weekend to celebrate my birthday. I usually don’t drink, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis, a few glasses of champagne, and two brandies. Did I do wrong? – Bailey, the Goat
Dear Bailey: Probably.
Dear Betsy: Pedro has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked Pedro if I were drowning and his mother were drowning, which one would he save? He said, “My mother because I owe her more.” I am so terribly hurt, Betsy. What shall I do? – Paprika, the Hen
Dear Paprika: Learn to swim.
Dear Betsy: I am getting older and I would like to meet a bull my age with no bad habits. – Vinny, the Heifer
Dear Vinny: So would I.
June 15, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve been going with this heifer for a year. How can I get her to say yes? —Cole, the Bull
Dear Cole: What’s the question?
June 8, 2017
Dear Betsy: I’ve always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Do you have any suggestions? — Clyde, the Donkey
Dear Clyde: Very simple. Run for a public office.
June 1, 2017
Dear Betsy: I don’t want to appear conceited but I’m forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Females are always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. I’m beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females? — Pedro, the Rooster
Dear Pedro: Keep talking.